COMPLACENCY …

☆☆☆ the dictionary.com definition of “COMPLACENT” is — 〈pleased, especially with oneself or one’s merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.〉☆☆☆

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✧ NADINE ✧

But, for most of my life I have felt like I have never been enough. I have never been the smartest, brightest, or most successful of any of my peers or even in my family or in most of my relationships. I would say the lowest I have ever felt was this past August through January honestly. My mom and my friends and others would tell me oh you are so enough and you need to love yourself as you are, but that COULDN’T be true because of my failures such as being cheated on and losing (who I thought was, but now thank God isn’t) my person, and failing classes because of how I felt I wasn’t enough. I think I finally started listening to the you are enough when I rekindled my relationship with Jesus. I know I am enough in Him. But also, I know I can always be improving in my physical, emotional, and spiritual lives. If we, as a society, were to stay complacent and say “oh this is enough we can stop improving” – I truly believe we would either die out bc it is in our nature to strive for better generation after generation. That’s how survival of the fittest works in nature and with people. So I guess I what I’m saying is I find comfort in those sayings now with the little asterisk towards Jesus (I am enough *in Jesus and I am loved as I am *by Jesus) so that brings me true joy, but I also know I can always be improving. I never want to stay stuck in either a success nor a failure bc ultimately I think complacency of any kind brings a sort of death whether it be of your spirit, mind, or body.

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✧ ELLI ✧

All we ever hear is I’m not enough, good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I have never understood why we don’t talk about why we are enough instead of why we aren’t enough. But I have realized the reason we as a society do not talk about why we are enough whether for our job, relationship, or family is because people do not give compliments out easily. Being told you are enough no matter the circumstance is a great feeling that many people never experience.

Being told you are enough can only go so far. If someone is only told the good about themselves without ever being criticized, then they are basically being lied to and set up for failure. The feeling of complacency to me is similar to being cocky, for lack of a better word. Someone could be so confident or comfortable in their job or relationship that they fail to see what issues are under the surface or what issues lay ahead.

When you see someone struggling and needing some direction or help it is a good thing to reassure them. However, if everything is rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns then that is when complacency begins to set in.

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For the past few days, or let’s just say for the last week, I have been in a major rut. Negative Nelly to the max over here to the point I was just annoying myself. I could not figure out what had gotten into me considering we’ve been in quarantine now for what seems like a million years, no one around me or close to me is sick, my new sleep medicine is actually working now … but here I am with the shittiest attitude and eeyore like mentality for no reason?

It wasn’t until I listened to The Skinny Confidential HIM & HER Podcast episode on ∼∼COMPLACENCY∼∼ that I realized what was going on with me. I was subconsciously telling myself that I was complacent, knowing that I truly was not fulfilled. I have always been the type of person who has believed happiness comes from within and that you CAN NOT truly be happy if you are not fulfilled — which i’m not at all.

It is hard to imagine that anyone is happy about this quarantine // social distancing situation, and the timing is most likely not great for anyone. But for me I feel like the timing of this pandemic came just to slap me right in the face.

If you have read some of my previous posts about my struggles over the past few years, my life has NOT been together … AT ALL … and I had told myself 2020 I was going to figure my shit out. Truth be told it was really starting to come together for me finally, then wham a frickin pandemic of all things. Naturally I was way too dramatic and selfish in regards to the situation and will admit I had a major ~woe is me~ moment, but I soon realized the reason I was feeling that way all tied back to complacency.

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✧ QUICK FLASH BACK // RECAP ✧

Ever since I had to leave Tuscaloosa and finish my degree online I have felt this overarching sense of failure, even though I was never exactly sure what I failed? I felt I was failing everyone; my friends, my family, Cristian, Ripley in the future because of the situation I was bringing him into, even though I really was only failing MYSELF! What a surprise. All the stress I held inside was only hurting me and everyone else was actually proud {??} of me the entire time? LOL boy was I telling myself some lies. But since I really didn’t discuss my feelings with anyone I let them eat me alive and I personally allowed myself to free fall straight to rock bottom.

It was not until the fall, around the same time I started this blog, that I realized I was only failing myself and I created negative thoughts for no reason. I discovered from listening to the TSC Him&Her podcast that the negative energy I created was because I felt like I was COMPLACENT! I felt like because I was at home, finishing my degree at a different speed in a different environment, relying on the kindness of my family to support me, and much more; made me convince myself I was just sitting idle and making no progress forward. I felt stuck, and honestly I still do, but at the time I had no idea how to escape my negative thoughts to realize that I was not being complacent.

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WAKE UP CALL

I have always been the type of person that is always on the move, I love to be busy, love the feeling of gentle stress; it helps me stay productive and on top of everything. Seems weird, but definitely having too much time for something makes me never do it … it’s odd and usually I hate myself for it but that’s just how I work best. So during the fall and spring of senior year {fall ’18 & spring ’19} I had basically NOTHING to do except hang out with Ripley and complete some homework here and there.

The true revelation that kicked my ass into gear was realizing that I don’t like being told that “I am enough” or that “I am doing a great job and it’s ok to slow down for a while”. At the time it was what I thought I needed to hear. I hate relaxing, I truly don’t even know how to relax. My brain is on, working over drive 24/7 … like literally that’s why I had to get my hard core sleeping medicine because my brain was working the same it does during my peak productivity hours …but through the night lolol. Even watching TV I am on my computer, reading a book, reading articles, etc., and not just sitting, unwinding, and relaxing.

When I was home after having Ripley, everyone was cutting me too much slack, I felt no pressure to succeed, to get myself over self loathing and sense of anger that I had to leave Tuscaloosa. What I needed at that time was for someone to kick me in the ass and tell me that I need to take in the new moments of motherhood with Ripley, but also don’t get too comfortable because life moves on and I need to keep challenging myself and struggle.

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I am truly happy in the struggle. I l i v e for the struggle. How weird is that?! 

All my life I have felt tremendous pressure to do well in everything I do, and partially I regret that because sometimes I was living through other people’s wants and needs from me, but at the same time I was productive as shit and was accumulating a bit of success.

~pre Ripley~ I knew I was not enough. I was always striving to make myself better, and never stopped trying to achieve goal after goal because no one was telling me I was doing great, or that I was enough, or that I should slow down and relax a little, and truly THANK GOD. I am so glad no one told me that — I am beyond thankful I was never allowed to settle for being average or just being “ok”.

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It comes as no shock to the people who know me well that …

I am annoyingly competitive, truly I annoy the shit out of myself. Just ask anyone who has ever had to bowl with me… it’s not pretty. And looking back at those dark months in my life I realized I had NO COMPETITIVE DRIVE … none at all. WTF?! I am disgusted in myself that is so off brand honestly. I loved to compete with myself, and I was not, I was letting myself be a lazy piece of shit just sleeping and watching TV all day. That’s where it all went down hill.

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THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THIS :

You should be HAPPY IN THE STRUGGLE, knowing that you are improving with every uncomfortable situation or moment that you experience. That is how you grow! Growth is uncomfortable, stressful, hard, terrifying, but you need to grow every single day until your last breath. You are never done with the struggle.

Obviously everyone sets goals for themselves, but there is no one end goal where people go, “ok wow here I am I guess I will just sit here for the rest of my life doing nothing”. NO NO NO, once you reach that goal, soak it in, allow yourself to be proud and excited, but then realize that you have more goals that stem from that. It is a never ending cycle of growth and progress, that’s how life is supposed to be! It is a great feeling to meet mini goals and then create more!

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To be honest, this may just be me rambling and making zero sense whatsoever … but I have so many thoughts relating to this subject it was hard to get them all out and wording them in a way that hopefully makes sense to y’all.

Maybe I will make a video explaining this? add Elli and Nadine too because they shared some insight as well on what it means to be complacent. I have so many thoughts on this topic, including much more of my experience postpartum and how that made me feel complacent as heck

Let me know if y’all would like a video going more in depth and having me verbally break down my thoughts on this so it makes more sense?! I will do my best to try and figure that out hahaha I used to be great with technology, but since starting this blog I have had to basically reteach myself everything I thought I knew/remembered.

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☄︎ BLASTING OFF,
T ∾ SPACEYCOWBOY ✰✰

SOME POSTS RELATING TO MY STRUGGLES AFTER RIPLEY ✧ H E R E ☞HOW BURN OUT LED ME TO START A BLOG

✧ H E R E ☞ FRESH START